If I were Manny Pacquiao

In the wild world of the wide web, Manny Pacquiao has been getting a lot of criticism because of his grammar (slow news day indeed.)

About internet verbal abuse: if you've been using the internet for more than five minutes, you'd know that this sort of smallpenislike behavior happens all the time, and you eventually just learn to tune out the yapping and screeching of the angry little chimpanzees.

But since Pacquiao has been jolly-busy decorating his golden mansion with the shattered dreams of Mexican heroes, he didn't know that the best thing to do was to just ignore the phonetic feces hurtling his way, and he hasn't had time to fashion the armor of gleeful callousness that habitual internet critics so easily wear. He was an innocent and vulnerable boxer caught in a mean and jaded web. And the critics were like spiders or something.

He tried to be nice. Channeling his voice thru the mystical portal known as "Twitter," Pac-Man politely addressed the raving criticisms of the envious anonymouses, a move which, predictably, excited the chimps to fever-pitch levels of smallpenisness. It was brutal. They threw more jabs, and they cut the champ; Pacquiao nearly decided to close his account.

What's fuddy ("funny and sad" <---please tell your friends) about Pacquiao's misadventure is the focused intensity of the attacks. This was nothing like the playful teasing that goes on between friends who understand each other's quirks and flaws and know where to draw the line. These were relentless targeted criticisms from faceless strangers.

What's fuddier (I'll make it stick, I promise) is that there are actually folks out there who think that the most embarrassing accusation you can level against a highly accomplished human being is: "Your grammar is flawed." Only in the Philippines? I hope so, and I wouldn't be surprised.

And fuddiest of all is that the virtual pelting actually bruised the man's ego, even though he makes more money than SomeDeity.

I mean if I were Manny Pacquiao, If I were a grammatically-challenged multi-millionaire world boxing champion named "Pac-Man," here's what you would be able to expect from me :

1. First of all, I wouldn't be in Twitter. I'd be in Mexico looking for more dreams to smash.
2. Second of all, I wouldn't give a donkey's ass about grammar.
3. Or spelling.
4. Or the English language.
5. Or communication in general. My fists can communicate just fine.
6. Unlike the video game Pac-Man, I'd just punch the ghost square on the ghost-chest. No running around in a maze like a stupid mouse. No stupid amphetamine pills. I'd have those globs of mist wishing that they'd never incurred my wrath.
7. Also, I'd punch Evil Itself all the way to Vietnam (or whichever country sits next to us.) If they complain, I'd punch them too, all the way to the next country. And I'd go on like that, hopping from country to country, punching Evil Itself and the Complainers, I'd go all around the world if i have to, until they stop complaining and have the United Nations sign an Internationally Binding Peace Treaty Recognizing the Sovereignty of My Fists Over Their Faces and Evil Itself.
8. Finally, there's this cockroach that somehow keeps getting into my bathroom. Now the cockroach itself isn't so bad; it actually looks kind of cool, like a really small alien invader with its little antennae waving around checking to see if the air is breathable. If I myself were a roach, I might even admire this particular insect for being a well-built, attractive representative of its race. Handsome even. But in the end I'd still have to punch it, because there is only enough room for one handsome roach in my life, and his name is Freddie.

The verdict is clear and irrefutable: there are many many ways to have an enjoyable and fulfilling life without resorting to grammar. So if you're a world champion like Manny Pacquiao, or if you know anyone who is, learn from the story of Manny Pacquiao. For it is a precautionary tale that illustrates the destructive consequences of putting too much value on grammar. And also use the word "fuddy" and give me credit so I can be famous.